Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Waistlines and winning…is there a connection?

A scientific study?

Now before anyone gets into an uproar and accuses me of attacking those that might be considered “waistline challenged” I assure you, there is very little that would be considered scientific about my studies. For the most part, it is pure conjecture and hocus pocus just like most of my written words are that appear here and there each month. If my words offend anyone, I apologize in advance. There, that should take care of any possible lawsuits. If my words this month have not offended you, please be patient, eventually they will, just give them time.

Now back to the topic, waistlines and winning. It is no secret that many competition barbecue cooks are a notch or two above an extra large in size, just look around. I ask you, where else can a XXX guy with a funny hat, who wears croc’s with socks, has stains on his shirt AND pig suspenders go and feel comfortable BESIDES a barbecue contest? I know the answer already because I am describing myself of course.

I know this answer because, without thinking, I have driven to the grocery store while at a contest without regard to my appearance, in full contest regalia. To say I received a look or two would be a gross understatement. You would think I would at least have had enough sense to remove my hat before becoming a public spectacle. The last time this occurred, while in the checkout line, I overheard a mother whisper to her young child, “you see that man Joey? That is why your Father and I want you to go to collage.” Well, at least I did some good; perhaps the young lad would be motivated by my slightly unkempt, portly, disheveled and comedic appearance and move ahead with an expedited plan of higher learning along with a life-time membership in his local gym.

As of this writing, the completed results of my study are still being reviewed by the board, at this time; the results are not yet conclusive. I am however at liberty to tell you that I think I am onto something, perhaps something earth shattering. I am not talking Nobel Prize winner, yet, let’s wait and see.

My study is based on the fact that, as many of you know, I am a bit long in the waistline and have been for most of my adult life. A continual struggle for which I am sad to say, little real progress has been made. I am much more in tuned with the waistline side of this discussion, because, again as many of you know, I don’t spend an extraordinary amount of time in the barbecue winners circle these days. Most of my observations have been made from the peanut gallery.

While mulling over my daily battle with the scale I determined that perhaps another approach was in order, a different perspective so to speak. Then it hit me, what I needed was some height. Loosing weight has been a huge struggle, getting taller has got to be easier doesn’t it? A quick check of a Googled height/weight chart tells me that based on my current poundage; I only need to be 7’4” or so. (I am estimated on the short side here for obvious reasons) My current height is 5”10” and that is wearing thick socks, I realize have some work to do.

While I was on Google, I figured I would search for a product that would help me in my task. A quick check around the net finds a plethora of products which will help things increase in length, although most are only available from off-shore vendors, I figured, what the heck, it was worth a try.

I ordered and received a couple of lengthening creams. I have been rubbing them regularly on my feet and head in my mission to increase my height. After reading the supplied instructions, I discovered most are not designed for the duty I had in mind. To prevent further embarrassment on my part, I won’t bore you with a lengthy explanation of their intended use.

I am sad to report, as of today, there has been no noticeable increase in stature; in fact, my wife says I am loosing length, although my measurements would say otherwise. It is apparent that more research is needed. The quest will continue, of that, you can be certain. In the outside chance the magical creams I have ordered fail to increase my height or length, depending upon how you look at it, I guess I will be forced to re-engage in the daily battle of the scale. In comparison that will be the easy part, getting into the winners circle a little more often, that, my friends, is where the challenge lies.